Force
by colormetheworld
Summary: Maura hits Jane in the face. Hard. In front of Frost, and Korsak, and a bullpen full of officers.


_Well, Hello Dr. Isles._

Maura hits Jane in the face.

Hard. In front of Frost, and Korsak, and a bullpen full of officers.

There is the crack of Jane's nose as it fractures.

"No! Don't! Please don't hurt me!"

It takes her a moment to realize that these words have come out of her mouth, they sound so terrified and plaintive. And then, worst of all, there is complete and utter silence.

Jane spins and her hands go up to cup her face, but she doesn't make a sound.

No one says anything. It doesn't even sound like anyone moves.

Maura stares at her girlfriend, horrorstruck, for a long, long moment, and then she turns and almost runs back to the elevator. She is near tears when the doors roll open on the bottom floor, and she is barely able to tell Susie that she doesn't want to be disturbed before hurrying to her office and shutting the door.

She's still at her desk with her head buried in her face when there's a gentle knock on her door, and Barry Frost pokes his head in.

"Doctor Isles?"

"I told Susie I didn't want to be disturbed," she says, wiping her eyes as though she can wipe away any trace that she was crying.

Frost steps into the room and shuts the door behind him. "Yeah, Dr. Chang put up a good fight," he says with a little smile. "But Korsak and I instituted a near flawless offense."

"Barry," Maura shakes her head, feeling her eyes fill up again, "I don't want to-"

"Maura," the tone in the young man's voice stops her short. She turns to see that his expression is deadly somber. "I don't really care if you _want_ to talk about what just happened. The reality is that we _have_ to."

"Is she okay?" Maura chokes a little on the words. "I think I fractured her nose."

"Cleanly," Frost confirms. "She let one of the techs snap it back for her."

"Make sure she puts ice on it, or she'll look like Mike Tyson."

Frost smiles briefly. "Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yes," she says, though it comes out as a question, and he looks completely unconvinced.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Maura says. "I was…" She pauses, trying to think of an explanation that would cause her to hit Jane when all the other woman did was greet her. "She startled me," she finishes finally. This, at the very least, is the truth.

Frost is silent, just looking at her, for long enough that she can feel the desire to fidget building slowly in the back of her brain.

"I'm fine," she says, when the silence starts to be unbearable. "I didn't expect her to be so close to me. That's all."

This seems to unsettle the young detective even more. "Maura," he says gently, and it is not lost on her that he is calling her by her first name. "You know that I consider you my friend, right?"

Maura goes to answer in the affirmative, and then realizes that she can't. She _hadn't_ been sure.

He can see the answer on her face, and he sighs lightly.

"You're not just my colleague, or my friend's girlfriend. I think of you like a true friend of mine. A close one."

Maura feels new tears in her eyes, and she turns away from him, embarrassed.

"That is a very nice thing to say," she says thickly.

"It's the truth," Frost says firmly. "Korsak feels the same. And Frankie. Hell, Angela thinks of you like a daughter. You have to know that by now."

Maura nods, letting out a wet little chuckle. "Thank you," she says. "I'm-"

"You're not fine," Frost cuts her off. "What just happened isn't fine. And while it's definitely the most blatant thing to happen thus far, it's not like there haven't been other...signs."

Maura looks up at him, wide eyed. Is it possible that he's guessed?

 _No,_ she tells her pounding heart. She has been so careful up until this moment. No one could have guessed.

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," she says slowly.

Frost looks at her, a mixture of sadness and pity that makes her feel wobbly.

"It's not your fault, Maura," Frost says quietly. "And it's not hers either. Not really. I should have seen it. We all should have seen...After Hoyt. I'm sorry we didn't."

Maura finds it hard to breathe. She puts a steadying hand on the corner of her desk, and prepares herself to lie. She _must_ lie.

"Detective," she says, forcing her voice to stay professional. "There is nothing-"

"She's hitting you," Frost says, a little more loudly. "Maybe by accident, maybe because of PTSD, maybe she's drinking too much. Korsak said he had to drive her home three nights ago from the robber, and that she was nearly incoherent."

Maura gapes at him, speechless.

Frost takes her silence for confirmation, and his jaw tightens, just the smallest bit. "And it's on us," he says, sounding strained now. "We should have noticed, and we should never have made you feel like you couldn't tell us something about her. Like we might turn on you."

Maura finds her voice enough to cut in. "Barry," she says more weakly than she'd like. "You're wrong."

He frowns at her. "You don't have to do that," he says. "It's not her. I mean, it's not who she really is. And us knowing doesn't betray her. Letting us protect you doesn't-"

"No!" Maura says, fully back to herself now. "No," she says. "I am not lying to you. Jane hasn't hit me. She has never, _ever_ put her hands on me in a nonconsensual way."

Frost looks torn between belief and confusion. "You just fractured her nose and begged her not to hurt you in front of two dozen people, Maura," he says softly. "Do you want to explain why?"

Maura sighs. "No," she says honestly. "But what you said previously is true, we do _have_ to talk about it."

She gestures him into a seat, and then sits down across from him, clasping her hands together.

"You were right on another account," she says after a moment to gather her thoughts.

"Oh?"

Maura nods. "It started with Hoyt."

…

 _When she stumbles into the front hall, it is almost one in the morning, but Maura is wide awake, sitting in an armchair in the living room, waiting for her._

" _I hope you didn't drive in your condition," she says quietly as Jane leans against the wall, resting her forehead on her arm._

" _Korsak," she says, though she sounds as though her mouth is full of gummy marbles. "Had too many."_

" _About four too many," Maura says, moving to put a hand in the middle of her girlfriend's back. "Come on, let's get you to bed."_

 _But Jane pulls away from her, her brow furrowed. She struggles to focus her heavy lidded eyes on Maura._

" _No," she says. "No bed with you if you're gonna cry'n push me away."_

 _Maura feels herself go cold all over. "What?" she asks, though she's heard quite clearly._

" _Then not'alk about it. Then say e'ry thing is fine." Jane blinks, and there is a tear on her cheek. Maura wants to wipe it away, but she can't make herself._

" _Everything_ _is_ _fine," Maura whispers, more to herself than to Jane._

" _No's not!" Jane answers, voice rising. The force of her voice seems to knock her backwards a little bit, and she stumbles, finally sitting down hard on the bottom step of the staircase. "You won't look at me," she says into her hands, pulling her knees up towards her chest._

" _You won't look at me'r touch me. You leav'n the middle of th'night. You think I don't notice?"_

 _Maura takes three steps towards Jane and then cannot make herself go any further._

" _I'm…sorry," she says, close to tears herself now. "Jane…It's…I'm not-"_

" _What did I do?" Jane cries into her hands. "What did I-"_

" _Nothing!" this question forces Maura to close the last few feet between them. She puts her hands on Jane's knees, leaning forward. "You didn't do anything, sweetheart. You're wonderful. I love you so much."_

 _Jane lifts her head to look at her with bleary, bloodstained eyes. "Do you really?" she asks quietly._

" _Of course I do," Maura says. She knows that she should tell her now. That she should just confess, and take the consequences._

 _But Jane lets out a deep breath, and leans forward to hug her. Her arms come up and around Maura's shoulders to pull her closer. To kiss her neck._

 _Before Maura can stop herself, she is scrambling backwards. Her vision tunnels, and she cannot breathe. She cannot breathe._

" _No," she hears herself say. "No. please…no."_

 _When she is finally able to pull herself back to reality, Jane is not on the steps any longer._

 _She doesn't see her until the next day at their crime scene. Jane smiles at her when she arrives, and is courteous and sweetly sarcastic._

 _But she never comes near her_

…

Jane is at home when Maura pulls in, but she only knows this because her car is in the drive. When she steps into the house, it is quiet and serene.

Her talk with Frost had been almost three hours long, and the last fifty minutes had included Korsak as well, when he could no longer take the tension of waiting in the exam room.

"I don't know how to tell her," Maura said, pressing her fingers to her temples. They throbbed from her cry earlier, and massaging them wasn't helping.

"Just tell her the truth," Frost had said kindly. "It's eating her up inside not knowing."

"It would be worse if she knew the truth."

"No," Korsak had cut in. "It wouldn't be. She's going crazy. She thinks that you don't love her anymore."

"She can't think that," Maura had said.

"She thinks you watched her kill Hoyt, and now you're afraid of her," Korsak continued. "She thinks you've decided she's too dangerous. She thinks you've decided she's not worth making your mother unhappy."

"She's _Hoyt!"_ Maura had burst out, hating herself for the tears that appeared again. "She's Hoyt. Every time she's close to me, puts her arms around me, all I can feel is him. All I can see is him getting ready to…to…"

And Frost had come to kneel beside her chair, taking her hand in his. "Maura," He said, still gentle, but now very firm.

"Just tell her."

…

Jane appears in the kitchen almost an hour later. Maura had called up the stairs to her, but hadn't gotten a response, and hadn't been able to find it in herself to climb the stairs and confront her.

"Hey," Jane says, by way of greeting. "Sorry I'm still here. It took me longer to pack than I thought it would."

The words hit Maura like a blast of cold air. "You're leaving?"

Jane blinks at her, frowning slightly. "Yeah," she says, like this should be obvious. "Of course I am. You deserve to feel safe in your own home."

Jane's nose is swollen, the black and blue already starting, but she has clearly been icing it. Just as Maura told her to.

"You make me feel safe," Maura says quietly.  
It speaks to how upset Jane really is, that she does not scoff or roll her eyes, just continues to look at Maura with the same empty expression.

"No I don't," she says, but there is no reproach in her tone. "I'll get out of your-"

"You're Hoyt," Maura bursts out, and then she rushes to continue as Jane looks horrified. "No! I mean… I mean that I hallucinate him. When you're close to me. I…" Maura looks away from Jane because the other woman's expression of terror has only deepened with understanding.

"I panic," she says to the granite of the kitchen counter. "I panic."

For a long time, nothing moves. Maura can practically hear Jane's brain working from across the room.

"I don't want you to leave," she says without looking up. "Please don't leave."

Jane pulls in a shaky breath. "Is it me, or him?" she asks.

"Maura glances up, then away. "What?"

"Who's going to," Jane swallows audibly. "Who's going to rape you? When you're panicking. Me or him."

Maura shakes her head, but answers. "It varies," she whispers, and when Jane chokes on a sob, she moves towards her, hands out.

Jane backs up. "No," she says. "Don't."

"It's not you," Maura says, speaking quickly, hoping to keep the detective with her a little longer. "It's not you, honey, I know that. And I'm working on it. I just need a little more time. I need-" she moves forward again, but Jane backs up until she's in the hall between the sitting room and the kitchen.

"No," she says. "Do you have any idea what it's like to watch you pull away from me because you're terrified?"

Maura stops moving.

"Do you know what it's like to watch the person that you love beg you not to hurt her? Or to sit up for hours, racking your brain, trying to – God! – trying to think of _any_ time when you might have done something. When you might have," she breaks off, turning away, her hand pulling roughly through her hair.

Maura puts both hands over her heart. "You would never hurt me," she says.

Jane steps into the sitting room, collapsing onto the couch, still facing away.

"You're right," she says quietly. "Now tell that to your brain." She takes two deep steadying breaths. "I can't watch you look at me like I'm about to kill you. Not one more time, Maura. It's breaking my heart."

Jane shakes her head, before letting it drop onto the armrest of the couch. "That sounds so stupid," she says, "but there isn't any other way to explain what it does to me when you're scared that I might…that I'm him."

Maura can't make her feet move to Jane's side, no matter how forcefully she tries to tell herself nothing bad will happen. In the sitting room, Jane sniffs.

"I think it's physically changing the structure of my heart."

…

…

 _Dear Maura,_

 _I don't like working with donut face Dr. Popov. Yesterday, he called Frost "my little chocolate man," and I had to spend like, thirty five minutes in the cruiser doing deep breathing. Frost took it surprisingly well, just explained why something like that could be considered offensive, and even shook his hand at the end of their chat. I told him he was too kind for this world, and he just laughed._

 _Cavanaugh said that the other detectives voted for him over Pike, because at least his work is average, and so I guess we're stuck with him until you and I decide that it's healthy for us to work together again. I had to (grudgingly) agree that I'd rather him over Pike, although sometimes when I get to a scene too fast, I see him admiring the glaze on a donut for just a little too long, and I think… "how many lost evidence bags would I give to have Pike here right now?"_

 _I know, I know. The answer is zero._

 _I hope things are going okay in Worcester. I don't particularly love the idea of you being in the middle of one of the most dangerous cities in Massachusetts, but Dr. Mendoza thinks that a certain level of worry is healthy in a relationship._

 _I like the doc well enough. We just pared down to once a month, since he doesn't think I'm "in crisis" anymore, and I have to admit, I sometimes look forward to going to see him. I think I realize that as much as I always told you that I don't like to talk about my feelings, I also never had to when I was with you because you always knew what they were._

 _And that's not a bad thing, you know, it's just…I do like having someone who knows how I'm feeling, and now that you're not around…_

 _I don't know. What I'm trying to say is that I know you spent a long time looking up doctors for me, and he's a really good choice, even if he makes us write these stupid letters that never go anywhere._

 _And thank you._

 _And I know we're not supposed to talk about missing the other person, or tell her about the times we are lonely. Or ask her to come home._

 _But I do, and I am…so much._

 _And come home._

 _Please come home, Maura._

 _J._

…

…

"Remember the rules?" Dr. Levin's voice is calm, but Maura can still feel her heart beat in the tips of her fingers.

"Yes," she says. "Everything is under my control."

"Exactly. And if you feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or-"

"Is she here?" Maura doesn't mean to cut her doctor off, but nerves and anticipation are pushing everything else out of her mind.

Dr. Levin chuckles. "She's just outside," she answers. "Do you want me to go and get her?"

"Yes. Please." Maura shuts her eyes, even though she is facing away from the door. "Please."

"Alright, I'll be right back. Do not turn around."

Maura obeys, even when the door whooshes back open, and the other side of the little loveseat dips. She even manages to stay turned when Jane's back presses gently up against hers.

"Jane?" she asks eagerly. "Jay?"

"You can talk, Jane," Dr. Levin says gently.

A deep breath. "Hey, Maura."

Maura shuts her eyes again, smiling. "Hi," she says. "Hi. God, it's good to hear your voice."

"You too," tentative, but sincere. Maura does not want to cry. It is barely ten minutes into the session.

Dr. Levin seems to understand. "Jane, as you know, I've spoken at length with your Psychologist, Mark Mendoza. We agreed that I should be the one to run these sessions. How does that feel for you?"

Maura smirks at the expression she knows is on her detectives face at this kind of language. _How do you feel about that?_

"Fine," Jane says, sounding a little exasperated.

"I think it's probably best if we forget about small talk and jump right in. And I'd like you to start, Jane. Will you tell Maura how it's felt without her these past three months?"

"Um…"

 _Jane needs more direction than that,_ Maura thinks irritably.

"Did it feel good?" Dr. Levin asks, a smile in her voice.

"Yeah," Jane says quietly. "But not as bad as being with her and thinking she hated me."

"I never hated you!" Maura can't help it. "I never-"

"Maura," her doctor cuts her off firmly.

"I know," Jane says, voice still very low. "It just felt that way."

They are quiet for a long moment, and then Dr. Levin says, very quietly. "Keep going, Jane."

Maura feels Jane take a deep breath in and out.

"I miss you," she says slowly. "I miss…being close to you, and touching you. And not in like, not in a sexual way. Although I miss that too." Her shoulder dip quickly, and Maura knows that she's blushing slightly. She grins.

"But like. I miss taking your elbow when I'm telling you something. Or…like, putting my hand on your back when you pass in front of me through a door." A pause. "When we first started living together, as we would leave the house in the morning, you would put your hand on my arm to balance while you put your pumps on."

"I remember," Maura says softly.

Jane nods. "Yeah. I miss stuff like that. And I hate him for taking that away from me."

"Who, Jane?" Dr. Levin asks, and Maura is momentarily shocked that she doesn't know, until she realizes that she wants Jane to say his name.

"H-Hoyt." Jane only stutters the tiniest bit on his name. "I tried to keep him from taking you from me. But he did anyway."

"No he didn't," Maura says. She feels Jane tense against her. "No," she repeats. "Maybe he did temporarily, but not in the long run. He couldn't."

"You dreamt that I raped you," Jane says. Her voice almost breaks. "You dreamt that I hurt you. Repeatedly."

Maura can't deny it. "Yes," she says, and she keeps talking willing Jane to stay with her. "When you killed him, Jane, the look on your face was horrible."

"I-"

"No," Maura says. "Listen. The look on your face when he turned to me with the scalpel. Your eyes were so wild and so… _frightening._ And I'd spent all this time reading about Hoyt. About Hoyt's unique brand of torture, where he forced couples to witness horrible things. To make unforgiveable choices."

Maura wipes the tears from her eyes, gathering herself.

"And I looked at you, and I couldn't move, and I thought…I thought that if he asked you to kill me. If he told you to kill me, or he would rape me, that you'd do it. No question."

Jane is shaking her head. Her whole body is shaking, like she's crying. Maura puts her hand out to the side.

"Jane," she says quietly. "Take my hand, honey."

For a second, it seems like Jane is going to refuse, like she's going to say she can't. But then she moves, and slowly her hand closes around Maura's.

They sit like that, back to back, holding hands, for almost five minutes.

"You'd never hurt me," Maura says. "You used to say that all the time, and I'd nod and think, of course she wouldn't hurt me. She's my Jane. I know every single emotion she has."

Jane makes a noise that could be a chuckle.

"But seeing you fight him. Seeing the look on your face when you told him not to touch me. I realized…I remembered all the times you said you'd never hurt me, and I-"

"You realized I say it for a reason," Jane fills in.

Maura nods. "I realized that you are fearsome in your own right. And I was so afraid of Hoyt. And…my brain got it all muddled."

Again, the almost chuckle. "Your brain, Doctor?" she asks, pretending to sound surprised. "I won't believe it."

And Jane leans forward, pressing her lips to Maura's fingers. She is still sort of crying. Maura can feel the wetness on her knuckles.

"God," Jane breathes. "God I, missed you. I _miss_ you."

Maura pulls her hand away, and spins, wrapping her arms around Jane's body, which has stiffened in surprise.

There she is. The dark hair and the long neck. The strong broad shoulders that she's missed for so, _so_ long.

"Maura," That's Dr. Levin, and her tone is one of consternation.

Maura couldn't care in the slightest. She presses her mouth to Jane's ear and kisses, and kisses, until the body in her arms is melting.

"Maura," Jane rumbles. "Come back to Boston."

Maura nods. "Yes." She says.

There is still a long way to go, still much to talk about, and tonight will most likely find them in different rooms, if not different houses altogether.

But at the moment, the only thing she can think of, the only thing she's been dreaming about for weeks.

Is going home.


End file.
